Truths About Marriage

Posted on May 24, 2012 by

…from the male perspective, today.  I’m obsessed with this GQ article about marriage right now.  It’s hilariuos, englightening, and, well, true.

Some of my favorites are the first truth - marriage is a big deal.  It is!  It’s not just living together.  You never hear anyone say they are working at cohabitating – but it’s often advised to work hard at your marriage.  (I say it a lot, in fact).  People who have been happily married acknowledge that their marriage is different from dating.

Another fave – when you celebrate, go big.  I couldn’t agree more.  I’m not a daily flower type of girl.  But I am a big celebration girl – I love a nice gift every once in a while, and I love a surprise.  For my thirtieth birthday my husband not only planned an island getaway but also surprised me with an incredible gift “experience.”  I would prefer that to 52 weekly flower arrangements any day.

You might get bored, and when you do, you might want to “bang the cleaning lady.”  (You may remember an old piece on why I will only have old bags in my home).  But seriously – I think fantasy is a normal part of life.  We have heard about the highlight reel, and men sometimes watch porn.  (Not your husband, of course).  Fantasy happens, but the author of that truth reminds us that while it may be kosher to fantasize about banging the cleaning lady, it’s by no means ok to do it.  If you are, incidentally, fantasizing about another, think about what aspect of that fantasy is different from your partner and try and introduce some new spice.

My husband can definitely relate to learning to read your wife’s mind through her facial expression.  It’s been said that my face sometimes resembles a cartoon character in it’s outrageous expressions, see videos here for yourself.  But honestly he can ascertain more from my face than anything.  I can say “sure” and fully mean “are you effing kidding me I would hate that,” and it’s all there with just my face.  And at least I sound like an agreeable person.

Many of the male contributors highlight communication, specifically related to sex.  They encourage an open forum, where partners share what turns them on.  They also encourage practicing those activities on the regular, provided that they are safe.  This is crucial – play along with your partners likes and fantasies.  Otherwise he or she will probably end up finding someone else to entertain those.

See number 7.  I’m certain that would be the eleventh commandment were there another.

Finally, marriage is about showing up.  Yes it is.  I love that these guys highlight this important piece.  And you should want to be there, most of us chose our partner, after all.  My husband just went away to a bachelor party with a bunch of married dudes.  He commented that many phoned their wives regularly (like he always does when he’s away).  Not to “check in” (I HATE that expression) or anything, but because they wanted to share experiences with their partners for just a minute.  They were showing up, actually being married.

Props to GQ for one of my favorite pieces on marriage ever, I loved every slide.  What are your “truths” about marriage?  Were they on the ball or missing something?

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How to ask a guy out

Posted on May 17, 2012 by

Save for the time my college roommate dared me to ask our TA out I have never asked a guy out. Ever. In my house as a teen we were not allowed to call boys (as in, could not initiate the phone call under any circumstances), and I spent lots of energy explaining the Sadie Hawkins concept to my mom before getting the ok.

So when I saw this video I loved it.

I laughed, agreed, and all but high-fived her. As I went to write my “I’ll drink to that” comment I noticed some not-so-happy remarks from viewers. Did we miss the women’s rights movement? And on and on.

I spent some time making sense of my own thoughts, her thoughts, the angry commenters thoughts. I am educated, open minded, liberal, right? I am a modern woman…I think. So here are my thoughts on why I so readily joined in.

I have told many-a-girlfriend to wait until he asks you. And I believe it…for some women. I think it’s important for women (and men) to identify what kind of person and what kind of relationship they want. I always wanted a guy with traditional dating values. The guy who wanted to ask me out, peruse me, wine me and dine me, take charge of the courtship (hah! I sound like a real catch, huh).

But seriously, I wanted (and still expect it in my marriage) a guy with the confidence to ask me out first. And the traditional dating values to continue perusing me for the long haul (you are totally feeling sorry for my husband now I’m sure). I think when looking for those values it is totally appropriate to think that he should ask you out. Because most males with those dating values would take charge of the early courtship phase.

But lots and lots of women are not looking for those things. They want a relationship that looks different, and they may relish in being in control of the courtship (which, incidentally would be my worst nightmare). Or maybe they want a relationship that looks more give and take in the dating phase.

Like I said earlier, on a dare in college I asked out a TA (not nice, I know). And it was awful. I asked him out, he said not until the end of the semester due to the fact that he was my TA (apparently those were my inappropriate years). But he waited and at the end of the semester he was so charmed by both my knowledge of decadent literature and confidence to ask him out that it took me months to shake him.

Oftentimes the beginning of a courtship sets the tone for the duration of the relationship. That first act is a big deal to me, so I have always wanted the guy who felt the same. However – lots of ladies want to take charge, or just don’t put so much stock into who asks who. I wonder – if I have a daughter someday – what I’ll teach her. It will probably be similar to what I learned and how I have always operated. What about you – do you readily ask guys out? If so – what’s your favorite approach?

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Fifty or Bust

Posted on May 9, 2012 by

“Fifty Shades of Grey” has already caused quite a stir. Women everywhere are secretly reading porn on their e-readers (thank goodness for anonymity in reading!). Soccer moms are fantasizing about someone else being in control. It is racy alright, but so far I have yet to hear that it’s done anything for anyone but amp up their sex life. I wrote about it a few weeks ago, I loved the books, and my sample of friends has been bordering obsession.

Unfortunately their racy content has landed them in the heat of another debate (no longer to read or not to read). A Florida library system has pulled the trilogy from shelves on account of the “pornographic nature” of the books. Are they really concerned that some kid will get their paws on the book or that some woman will read it and feel sexual and liberated? I’m not so sure.

I’m all for kids reading appropriate books. When I was about 12 or so I snuck “A Time to Kill” off the bookshelf and dove in. The gruesome rape scene caused countless bouts of sleeplessness, and unfortunately I can still remember it like I read it yesterday. When I fessed up to my parents they encouraged me to stick with Judy Blume.

I wouldn’t want my adolescent child reading either the Fifty Shades trilogy or “A Time to Kill,” but I certainly think that they are fine for adults. How is it appropriate for a library or bookstore to promote books with pretty awful rape but not a book that might actually help spice up your life?

Sex is a part of our lives (hopefully!), and keeping our sex lives spicy is not always easy. Fifty Shades might do that for you…so public libraries beware! Women may – gasp – go home and initiate sex.

Seriously though, what do you think, is the ban appropriate? Do you think these books should be allowed in libraries?

And if you haven’t started them yet, here’s my plug on their awesomeness:

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Pineapples…the latest aphrodisiac

Posted on May 1, 2012 by

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I’m all about spicing it up with your partner – why not? Over the weekend I learned a fun new tip on improving the BJ experience for us ladies – tell your partner to drink lots and lots of pineapple juice!!

See the full story here…

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Husband or oven full of shoes?

Posted on April 25, 2012 by

I had a mini revelation the other day about marriage. I was thinking about how people always say “marriage is hard work” – which really bugs me, incidentally – and the rationale behind it. Yes I acknowledge that people have to work on relationships, they do not stay awesome on their own. But why on earth is that like the forty-somethings’
fave saying?

For most people a committed relationship means compromise. At least a little. Compromise because your dream vacay is Bali and his is South Africa (rich people problems). Compromise because you feel like sushi and he wants a burger. And maybe even because you always dreamed of settling down in your home state and his job takes you to Georgia. And on and on.

Compromise is a huge positive, but that doesn’t mean it’s not challenging sometimes. I think our generation is faced with even greater stress around this issue than those before us. Many of our parents were married just after college or high school. They entered adulthood together (which would be tough in and of itself).

That’s no longer the case – we live solo for many years post-grad. Amassing handbags and accessories instead of contributing to our 401k’s, traveling to Vegas to spend our bonuses of we feel like it. We lived with our friends, bought ridiculous tv’s, and never missed a girls trip. Then we try to be married and our spouses have opinions.

Opinions about said shoes and bags and Phish tickets. One thinks we should save, the other dreams of a week at Coachella.

The bringing together of two strong independent identities is enriching and incredible, and I am thankful we are here. But I do recognize that it can occasionally stress the duo.

Here are my thoughts on making it work – what are yours?j

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Wouldn’t it be nice…

Posted on April 17, 2012 by

…If your husband did Pilates like Jenn’s boyfriend, liked to buy jewelry like Kelly’s husband, and could separate whites from colors like your neighbor’s fiancé?

I mean seriously – if you could just take all of the best qualities of your friends’ partners you could probably come up with a perfect mate. He likes to watch Grey’s, get pedicures, has great taste in clothes, likes shopping, loves to gossip, and is a regular at your Pilates class. He’s sensitive but hilarious, confident but always thoughtful, hard working and successful but never home after 7 (you know, just like Lisa’s husband?).

He skis, runs, plays mahjong, and loves Bravo. Wait – is he your girlfriend or your husband?

I constantly hear people say, “I just wish Brad were a little more like my sister’s husband, you know, into indie films and foodie food”. Or “I ran into the Browns at spinning yesterday, it’s so cute how he always goes to workout classes with her, Mike will never do that with me”.

Here’s the problem, he’s not Lisa’s or Kelly’s or anyone’s boyfriend, he’s your boyfriend. And at one point you picked him despite his disinterest in yogalates.

There’s plenty of fairness in wanting to expand what you share. I love running and my husband doesn’t. But – since I spend a couple of hours on the weekends running he has taken it up a little so we can be together, at least for part of it. And he loves sports and the Bay Area, so I have taken an interest in the Giants, can talk knowledgeably about the hyphy movement (I’m serious) and have sat through Moneyball several times.

It is awesome to introduce your partner to things you love. My mom took up golf years ago to hang out with my dad and it’s her favorite sport now. But wishing your partner were more like so-and-so, or encouraging him to be more something is never a good idea.

Here’s the worst infraction of this nature that I have seen:

Are you guilty of this comparison crime? Where’s the line between encouraging an comparing?

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Do Opposites Attract?

Posted on April 10, 2012 by

Check out my latest video blog about differences early on…

What do you think – can people change their view on these major life decisions? Is it worthwhile to invest your time in a partner who wants something different?

Posted in Dating, New Relationships, Relationships | 2 Comments